I'd Like to Thank the Academy...

I have never understood why, but for years I’ve been the oracle of all things dating for my friends. It’s certainly not a status earned through successful, meaningful relationships, so I can only assume it is because my friends know that I have seen everything and called all of those things boyfriends. To use a term from my friends’ wildly successful website, Mandrama.com, I am an expert in the “mandramatic.” On their site, the sisters define mandrama as “a sensational dramatic remark with exaggerated emotion that reveals the anxiety of the speaker.”

To the chagrin of the geniuses in my past, I have a folder on my computer with the best of all the emails and IMs that I have received from these guys since the summer before college. While in school, my friends and I had an annual dramatic reading of the most memorable ones. Some of the best quotes are flattering (in a creepy way), some are accusatory, some are hardly English, but all are mandramatic.

Before providing examples from said folder and from tearfully-spoken quotes, I should say that if any of you out there recognize your own words, congrats, you made the cut. On the off chance that blog fame upsets you, follow the advice of an ex of mine and “grab a tub of ice cream and have yourself a good cry.” Now, behold these amazing feats of the mandramatic:

"You are a goddess, and you should be shielded in my embrace! Why can't you see that?!"

“You truly are a gem of an individual. Holla back.”

“Let’s get together and I’ll help soften the blow of [Football Team 1] whipping [Football Team 2] like a scene in the back room of an S&M dungeon.”

“I thought you were The One. Obviously I was wrong.” “

You’re going to regret this. I’m the best you could ever get. Ever. How does that feel, bitch?”

“During my trip I spent some time out on the beach at night thinking and praying. God told me that night that you’re not good enough for me.”

“I take you to my semiformal and all I get is a hug and a ‘thanks, see ya’ at the end? You dumb slut!”

Message on my dorm phone: “Kehhhhh-leeeeeeeeee. Hello…hello…fine. F--- YOU. Fuuuuuu-- youuuuuuuuuuuu. Yeah. Oh my God, I’m sorry. You’re a cheerleader. I like you.”

I can hook you ladies up with contact info for any of these guys.