In Consideration of Mortality

Dorian Gray, I understand now. However, truth be known, I should’ve had the foresight to hide a portrait of myself a few years ago. Today I’m 25. I woke up with palpitations to the realization that I am no longer able to rely on my youth and assumed inexperience to get away with anything I want. However, now I can rent a car nationwide and my insurance company considers me far less of a liability than they did yesterday (suckers). But, car rental and lower insurance payments certainly don’t make up for the promise of a slower metabolism, wrinkles, and eventually getting around by Scootabout.

I worked with an old guy who would go into coughing fits resulting in him horking up something gross, fall asleep in every meeting he attended, and protest technology whenever possible. Also, he inexplicably smelled like vegetable soup. It looks like with age, you eventually just stop caring about what people think and do whatever you want whenever.

So, I guess getting older has its advantages. Last year I was mistakenly sent my AARP membership card. I was too nervous to try to use it, but there are some serious discounts out there for the older population. I did my best to convince my mom on her 55th birthday to come to IHOP with me so we could get a senior citizen discount. She was rather uppity about it for someone who uses Grandma’s handicap hangtag when Grandma isn’t out with her.

A nearby cemetery with a macabre sense of humor posted a sign at the entrance that says, “Fall Sale!” You wouldn’t think that there would be such a marketing push for something that everyone will need eventually. However, as my grandfather said regularly for 20 years before he died, “Every second is just one tick closer to death.”

Tick-tock, tick-tock...