A Few Open Letters

Maybe it’s the rain or maybe it’s the soul-sucking nature of the industry I work in, but I’m in the mood to get a few things off my chest in open letter form. This is probably the best case form, considering I often have a penchant for verse when annoyed. An archaeo-astronomy professor in college learned that lesson when I turned in a paper written in iambic pentameter.

Dear Guy Who Left the Funions on the Apartment Building Stairs,

With each passing day I’m more and more curious about why the Funions weren’t doing it for you and had to be abandoned on the stairs. Clearly you lost your Funion virginity that day and were none too pleased with that. Who’s going to clean those up? They’re soggy now since you left the bag open and it’s been rainy the past day or so.

Your Neighbor


Dear Guy at Work Who Likes to Comment on What I Eat,

I understand that you are still intrigued by my actions in that all-hands meeting last year when I took two cookies. They were small. And good. But, you know, asking me that day…one year ago…if I wanted you to just put the tray of cookies on my desk so I could eat all of them was amusing, but it isn’t anymore. Why is it that whenever I make the decision to have something sweet it’s worthy of comment? I’m a grown up. I can have Mike and Ikes for lunch if I want to.

Love,
Kelly


Dear Late 20s to Early 30s Single Males,

I understand that the guy biological clock seems to go off at this time and you think that you should be paired up ASAP, and anyone in your path will do. That’s cool, man, but I’m not interested. The words “I have a boyfriend” are for real. He doesn’t like that you think he’s a speed bump and not a road block. Stop being creepy.

Kelly


Dear People Who Sign Every Work Email with “Thanks,”

You know, sometimes when you say something over and over again, it becomes meaningless. Do you really need to sign the email saying “Per your request: ___” with “Thanks, Milton”? You’re doing me a favor. What if I signed my emails with something idiotic, yet equally as fake nice?

You’re Sexy,
Kelly

P.S. Same goes for you, “Very Respectfully, Norm.”