When You Have Nothing Left to Lose, Eat the Grilled Cheese

Day in and day out, I’m rushing around, doing something and worrying about everything. Clean this, don’t eat that, finish up those, email them. Life is a set of rules and boundaries, socially and mentally. While frantically trying to flat iron my hair and review a document for work at the same time, I thought about the yoga teacher training essay I'd forgotten to write on what I'd do if I were to die tomorrow.  It became disturbing as I thought about if I only had 24 hours left of life (or that is, life as I know it), what would become important? Would it matter that I have one troublesome patch of hair no matter what I do? Would I care that my husband doesn’t use the correct packing algorithm for loading the dishwasher? Maybe. I don’t know. Probably.

People like to say that there’s freedom when you have nothing left to lose, which is true to an extent.  I’d like to think that with all of the rules and boundaries released, I’d go spend time with my family and friends and get my final wishes in order.  Maybe come up with some awesome last words.  But honestly, I think I’d be so overcome with the feeling of freedom that I’d be reckless and ram slow cars on 66, eat that Denny’s grilled cheese with fried mozzarella sticks in the middle of it, and make more of a spectacle of myself in a public place than I usually would.  Also, I'd probably just quote Dumb and Dumber or Mean Girls for my last words, so that's pointless to worry about as well. 

For our yoga teacher training graduation ceremony today, we all went around the circle telling everyone what we'd written about for our last 24 hours assignment.  Everyone had these profound things to say, like spending time with their children, changing the world, and meditating high on a mountain, and I was all, "Guys, I'd eat that grilled cheese." 

But you know what?  For me, not being beholden to my own ridiculous rules would be as miraculous as being able to know you only have 24 hours left.  Now, the challenge is to live like that everyday, not just that last one.